There is a new movement afoot in schools across the region to combat the growing problem of bullying. If you watch the news, and do a little research, you learn that bullying is being blamed for increasing numbers of suicides and other mental heath issues among young people. And before we continue, let me state for the record that I understand and acknowledge that bullying is a very real problem and that there are many legitimate cases of real suffering because of it. I write this piece in the hopes that I can help many of those "sufferers" by changing how they look at their situation.
Where I live, the tactic to fight this problem is a campaign built around the phrase, "if it hurts, it's wrong". The premise being that bullying is anything that makes someone else hurt in any way whether physical, mental or emotional.On the surface, I have no problem with this idea. Certainly people have a right to be respected and to feel safe and nurtured in their school. No child should have to go to school afraid. That said, to me, the focus of this campaign is all wrong.
The phrase "if it hurts, it's wrong" sends the message to many students that anything that bothers you, or anything you don't like, is bullying. In other words, if people don't say and do exactly what you'd like them to, they are wrong. The problems with this are pretty obvious I think. The worlds certainly doesn't work this way. So children who believe it will one day come a to a pretty dude awakening. The bigger issue though is that when interpreted that way, the phrase "if it hurts it's wrong" focuses too much attention on the bully than on empowering the "victim".
I was "bullied" if you want to call it that, most of my life. I'm 4'11" as an adult. In school I was even smaller. And so, I was often the subject of teasing and mockery. People made fun of my size constantly. But my parents, who are wise in ways I'm only now beginning to appreciate, did the best thing they could for their young son. They didn't teach him to tell the teacher when someone bothered him. They didn't enroll me in self-defense classes. They didn't teach me that I was a victim. They taught me to ignore anyone who's opinion didn't matter to me. They taught me to be secure in who I was. They taught me that I had value no matter what I looked like. And so I came to learn that a bully could say whatever they wanted to, but they couldn't bother me, unless I let them. As Eleanor Rooseveldt put it, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." When I learned that lesson, bullies became irrelevant. They weren't able to "get to me". And once they couldn't illicit the response from me that they were seeking, they moved on. A bully who can't make you scared, get's bored, and gives up. They feed on fear. Without it, they starve. The fact is, other people might be able to do things to protect us in certain situations from physical danger, no one can stop someone from bullying you except you. The good news, no one can bully you successfully unless you LET them.
So I want to tell every student and parent of a student who is being "bullied" out there right now, "take your power back". If someone is picking on you right now, talking bad about you, making your life miserable, don't feed the beast. Don't buy into it. Don't give the bully, or those they associate with to determine how you feel about yourself. If you are real, physical, danger, than PLEASE go tell someone and get help. If the police need to be involved, do that. Don't endanger yourself for the sake of being "tough". But if not, then there are two powerful things you can do right now to stop the bullies: 1) Be secure in who you are and the fact that you are valuable. If you KNOW that at the core of your soul, then no amount of abuse can break you. 2) Ignore those who are picking on you. Bullies do what they do to get a reaction. They want to see you get upset, the want to see you cry. They get a sick charge out of that. If you don't give them the reaction they want, eventually they'll move on. They'll get bored. And once that happens, you'll know that you have nothing to be afraid of anymore. You'll know that whatever comes your way, you can handle it. And when you have that feeling, nothing can stop you!
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